I know that you guys all think I’m a hot shot in the horror journalism community, in addition to being the bad boy of horror journalism also, but I can’t attend EVERY film festival, can I?! The answer is no, especially when that festival is taking place in another country. As is the case with the Fantasia International Film Festival, currently taking place in Montréal, Québec. Luckily, the internet is a thing that exists and it allowed me the opportunity to live vicariously through it as some of the films being shown at Fantasia are available online! Cool! With all of the interesting films available to me, the first film I was recommended to check out was Thanatomorphose by Smith over at Icons of Fright, with the caveat that I “get ready to puke”. Having the iron guts of the Wolfman makes it pretty difficult to get nauseous, but I figured that I should put my guts through the ringer and see what wacky French writer/director Éric Falardeau could possibly do to make me feel squeamish. Good for him, because he almost got me there in this metaphorical tale of woman’s physical and emotional death.

Why would you think blood makes an acceptable substitute for a pillow?!

After a girl (Kayden Rose) and a boy (Davyd Tousignant) finish making sexy times, we see some strange bruises on the girl and the boy steps on a nail. Yikes! It becomes quite clear that this boy is only spending time with this girl for the sexy stuff, so he looks like a real jerk. As the film shows the girl clearly losing sense of self worth, more and more bruises begin to appear on her body, causing some of her friends to be concerned. They have good reason to be concerned, as her body isn’t even close to being finished hating itself. The bruises spread across her body, she starts losing fingernails, and open sores start appearing. Don’t worry, it only keeps going! This girl eventually becomes a walking, talking, and yes, blow job giving pile of rotting skin stretched over some bones until the film ends.

Just because you’re body is falling apart is no excuse for you to have a dirty bathtub. I mean, what if a MAN drops by and isn’t impressed?! You want to impress MEN, don’t you?!

Blood! Piss! Shit! Puke! Cum! All bodily fluids are covered in this laugh riot! Wait, it wasn’t really a “laugh riot”, but it was hard to follow up so many bodily fluids. According to the internet, “thanatomorphose” is a French word that means “the visible signs of an organism’s decomposition caused by death”. Okay, cool, so this girl’s emotional death, caused in part by being sexually objectified and some letter that she gets that lets her know she was rejected by something, is manifested literally as we see her body fall apart. Most of the film was spent waiting for something to happen that might shed a little more light on what was happening, only to realize that we were really just going to see someone’s emotional decay be translated into her physical decay, and I’m pretty sure that’s all the filmmakers wanted to accomplish. I’d say they met their goals, and managed to do it in the juiciest, bloodiest, pus dripping way possible. Even though the plot left much to be desired, I’m sure that the likes of Lucio Fulci and Clive Barker would give a bloody thumbs up at the film’s effects and sound design. I watched this film with headphones on so I think I got so soak up every single decibel of every skin peeling, blood dripping, bodily fluid squishing moment, making the film effectively disgusting. The film wasn’t necessarily horrific, as there were maybe only 1 or 2 scenes involving any sort of “violence”, but the bodily decay certainly isn’t for the squeamish. I suppose that I had a hard time turning off the more logical parts of my brain that were more interested in a narrative because I kept thinking “WHY DON’T YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL TO STOP YOUR SKIN FROM FALLING OFF,” but I knew that wasn’t the point of the film. Unfortunately, I was hoping for a little bit more by way of plot or story or anything to engage me in any way, but it can’t be argued that those effects weren’t pretty disgusting.

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Hey Wolfman, looks like someone finally made a movie about you! Ya know, because you’re a stupid loser who has no friends and nobody likes and you smell like shit and are a stupid asshole so no one ever wants to talk to you! Hahahaha, classic burn, Wolf–wait, I’m Wolfman. Shit. The only thing I really knew about Antisocial is that it’s playing at Fantasia International Film Festival and that at some point, a girl is covered in blood and looks at her computer. What else do you need to know when it comes to movie watching?! Sometimes it really is best to go into a movie completely blind and have no preconceived notion. Oh yeah, I also watched this movie because I thought maybe it was about me because I’m a stupid asshole and no one ever wants to talk to me.

See?! I told you that this shot was in the movie! Stop calling me a liar!

Two young girls are making a video log, or “vlog” as the kids these days are calling them, about the clothes they bought at the shopping center, or “mall” as the kids these days are calling them. Suddenly, one of the girls freaks out, bleeding from the face, and the other girl murders her in self defense. KIDS TODAY, AM I RIGHT?!  Meanwhile, Sam (Michelle Mylett) is broken up with by her boyfriend and word quickly travels through social media, making her feel really down in the dumps. This only makes Mark (Cody Thompson) push harder to get Sam to come to his New Year’s Eve party, which she reluctantly decides to attend. While at the party, she has a good time, despite most of the other party-goers constantly updating their social networking profiles that are absolutely NOT Facebook. Word starts spreading across this not Facebook website, as well as actual news outlets, about people erupting into violence across the country and no one can figure out why. As these friends start checking their sites, we learn that there’s some sort of subliminal signal coming through the site that’s starting to make the friends act bonkers. As the friends barricade themselves inside the house, and as details start to emerge about what’s actually going on, this group of friends has  to make the important decision of waiting out what could be happening, facing the dangers outside the house, or deal with the dangers in the house.

And here’s Cody Thompson doing his best impression of Charlotte Gainsbourg in Antichrist.

I hate it when I have to do this, but sometimes I can’t help pointing out when a movie feels like an amalgam of other movies that have come before it. The mysterious nature of all of the people becoming “rage infected”, for lack of a better term, and how it tied into technology reminded me a lot of The Signal. We know that the social networking sites played a role in what was going on, or maybe it was just computers and phones in general, but clearly Antisocial was trying to say something about the addictive nature of social media, as opposed to The Signal, which really never gave you an answer for why the events in that film were happening. The claustrophobic nature of all of these friends being in this one house and watching the events unfold in the outside world felt really similar to Pontypool, which relied only on outside sources when it came to figuring out what was happening. Not only is it an interesting way of watching events unfold, it also works well for a film that has a lower budget and can’t afford to show the larger scale of an epidemic, so that’s another thing that worked in Antisocial‘s favor. Unfortunately, rather than let the “infection” be a mystery, we had the answers of why these things were happening explained to us, so once that explanation came to us, the movie took a turn towards Pulse territory and the combination of technology and something supernatural. Granted, Antisocial didn’t claim that ghosts or anything were taking over these people, just the matter-of-fact explanation of everything made it all seem a little ridiculous. I did think they attempted a somewhat “scientific” approach towards the justification of what had happened, which I appreciated it, but I also thought there would have been more to enjoy had the explanation been left in the viewers hands. Even though the ending does get a little bit silly towards the end of the film with the “cure” that is achieved for whatever madness these people have been stricken with, there’s also a few decent gore effects towards the end as well. Those effects were a welcome addition to a movie that was relatively devoid of gore, and it was good to see a handful of them in quick succession. If you’re a fan of any of the movies I’ve listed, Antisocial might be worth checking out to see how this film was influenced by them, and if nothing else, maybe it will cause you to revisit them.

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I fucking love Halloween. That’s probably a given, right? Everything about Halloween and the fall is just amazing.  Being from the Northeast probably affected me differently than people in other parts of the country, but since the Northeast is older, we are way better at Halloween. One of my first jobs was scooping ice cream at a dairy farm. You’d think that would make me get sick of ice cream, but NOPE, it only made me love ice cream more. This farm had a haunted hayride every single year and definitely dominated all of the hayrides in neighboring towns. The first time I tried going, I was kind of scared and had just eaten spaghetti so I went home like a stupid baby. It wasn’t until I actually worked there that I came back, because someone called in sick and instead of scooping ice cream, I had to ride the hayride all night. Yes, it was awesome. When I heard that The Bates Haunting was filmed at an actual haunted house/hayride in the Pennsylvania wilderness, I just had to check it out. So I did. So that’s why I reviewed it. And that’s why you’re reading.

This is a scene that happens between two people in the movie! Sorry, finding pictures for this movie was almost impossible.

The first thing we see in the film is a commercial for the haunted house and hayride where the movie is set, with the commercial featuring Jackass star Bam Margera. Wait, what? BAM MARGERA, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?! Okay, well, I’m sure that’s the only Jackass superstar in this movie. Moving on. After the commercial for this haunted attraction, we see the operation in full swing. At one of the stunts that involves fire, there’s a terrible accident and one of the actresses catches on fire and dies. Dammit, no! A year later, the best friend of the girl who died works at a pizza place where Jackass superstar Ryan Dunn is ordering a pizza. WAIT, WHAT’S ANOTHER JACKASS GUY DOING HERE?! WHAT THE HELL!? Dunn isn’t relevant to the plot, but we do see this girl burn a pizza because she doesn’t really give a shit about anything since her friend died. She tries to conquer her fears by getting a job at the haunted house, but unfortunately this haunted house is looking to cause a much higher body count. People start getting killed off at the attraction, which also causes more guests to start showing up because of the element of danger. Who’s responsible for the deaths? The owners of the attraction? The girl’s family who had their daughter set on fire? Someone else entirely who I can’t really remember right now? Yeah, probably that third one.

According to the internet, Ryan Dunn died while in the process of shooting this movie. He didn’t even die while doing a wacky Jackass style boner to the head or anything. R.I.P.

Was this movie good? No. No fucking way. In fact, I’d say it was bad. However, it could have been absolutely awful, so they should consider this one a win! While watching the movie, it felt very Scooby-Doo in the fact that it was a haunted attraction and the pretty goofy tone of the whole thing. When I looked at the press release afterwards, I saw that director Byron Turk described the film as “Scream meets Scooby-Doo“. Well, at least he was half right? If the film was similar to Scream, it would have been clever and self-referential and a worthy entry into the genre it was attempting to mock. Well, not so much. It did attempt to be self-reflexive in that it clearly didn’t take itself too seriously, but it also just wasn’t really that funny. Combining horror with comedy is always a tricky subject, specifically just finding that balance of the two genres, and at least this film equally failed at both genres it went out for. But hey, A for effort? No, not really. Just not an F for effort. Even though I don’t personally have much of a connection to haunted attractions from my youth, this movie did make me excited about Halloween season and the nice fall weather, so I think this movie might be a little more entertaining if you went to a lot of haunted hayrides as a kid. Entertaining enough to keep my interest, but I can’t really recommend it to anyone unless you’re in dire need of watching a movie set in a location you might have enjoyed as a kid.

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As you’ll remember from my review of Blood Rage, I’m trying to crank out as many Thanksgiving related movies as I can this week. Next up was Home Sweet Home, also known as Slasher in the House and Bloodparty. Wait, BLOODPARTY?! That’s clearly the best name of them all and not referring to this movie officially as Bloodparty is already making me super sad. Thanksgiving isn’t supposed to make me sad! This is another movie from the 80′s I’d never really heard of but popped up in my Thanksgiving research. It’s also another slasher that really doesn’t have much to do with the holiday other than giving its victims a reason to all be together in one place. Whoops, is that a spoiler? Well, get used to it because there’s some more spoilers where that came from! The spoiler-free review is that this movie is laughably bad and drags at times, but it’s just entertaining enough to be watchable.

HAHAHAHA LOOK AT THIS FUCKING NUTCASE. WHY DOES HIS FACE AND NECK LOOK LIKE THIS?!

The first scene in this movie involves a guy driving a car looking directly into the camera and offering us beer, only to show the reverse shot of a muscley Lou Ferrigno looking guy strangle the guy in a car to death. If that wasn’t an intense enough way to start the movie, this nutcase then shoots up into his tongue. The radio informs us that he’s an escaped mental patient with a fondness for PCP, which is a terrible combination. Well, maybe it’s awesome for that guy, but not for anyone hoping to stay alive. This mental patient steals the car, runs over an old lady in a crosswalk, and finds himself a get together at a house in the woods, because it’s Thanksgiving and all. He cuts power to the house before starting to kill partygoers one at a time. There isn’t much reason for him doing what he’s doing, he’s just killing people. I guess it takes him so long to kill people that this murder rampage lasts long enough for the police to show up and shoot him before he kills the last person standing, only for the movie to end with the killer opening his eyes! He’s not dead! Happy Thanksgiving!

Rock…and…roll? You kids today and your shirts with chains printed on them! In my day, we had to wear our own chains!

Yes, Home Sweet Home was pretty boring and was full of stuff that we’ve seen countless times, but that isn’t to say that there aren’t some hilarious things in it. The killer himself, Jake Steinfeld, just straight up looks nuts. Not necessarily insane, but he’s got this weird afro mullet thing going on and wears a shirt made for a child. The intensity at which the movie starts off is entertaining and definitely buys itself an opportunity for me to sit through the whole thing. I should mention that after the crazy guy shoots PCP into his tongue, he sees an old lady comically crossing the street and dropping things that she has to pick up. Would you believe this lunatic speeds up to run her over?! HE DOES! And it happens with this weird freezeframe zoom thing as soon as he makes contact with her and it’s just her screaming face. One of the victims at the party is a guy carrying around an electric guitar who is just always doing guitar solos and is wearing facepaint like a mime, along with a shirt that has rips all over it and chains. I…I just don’t know what the hell to make of him. He only takes breaks from guitar solos to perform magic though, so, he’s obviously a cool dude. The soundtrack was pretty goofy sounding, so the movie obviously had a sense of humor about itself and how dumb it was. There was also a scene where a guy was leaning under the hood of his car to change the battery when the killer comes from OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE AND JUMPS ON THE HOOD. Not like, stomps, but bodyslams. He looks like a wrestler and it came from out of nowhere and was amazing. There are a few redeemable things in the movie that might make it fun to watch with a bunch of friends, but definitely isn’t entertaining enough for me to watch again by myself. Instead, because of how valuable my time is, I’ll go back to watching the same episodes of Parks and Recreation that I’ve seen a hundred times already.

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And the Thanksgiving festivities continue! My first memory of ThanksKilling is walking through a video store and seeing this VHS on the shelves next to movies like Killer Condom and Cube. Wait, this movie isn’t on VHS? Nor was it around at the same time as those other movies? Memories are weird. Even though that’s not actually my first memory of ThanksKilling, it might as well be, because it’s a straight to video, super low budget, absolutely ridiculous horror comedy. WAIT! Guys, I figured it out. My actual first memory of ThanksKilling is in the early days of Netflix Instant when it was FULL of garbage. I scrolled past this movie countless times, despite the fact that the poster included the tagline “Gobble gobble, motherfucker.” I don’t think I actually watched it until two years ago, but for the holiday season, I figured I’d revisit it! Please don’t rely on my synopsis for the actual plot as I was distracted by playing with dogs through a good portion of watching it.

Two very convincing costumes.

TITS. That’s the first image we see in the movie after we are told these tits are flopping around after the very first Thanksgiving. Shortly after we see these pilgrim boobs, a terrible looking turkey puppet pops up and says, “Nice tits, bitch,” before killing the booby pilgrim with an ax. A few centuries later, a group of college kids are celebrating their Thanksgiving break by going on a camping trip. In the woods where these kids are camping, a dog takes a piss on a talisman which awakens this demonic turkey. To everyone’s surprise, this demonic turkey then goes on a murderous rampage of these college kids while tossing around Thanksgiving related puns like they’re going out of style. Although, I guess if you’re the first Thanksgiving horror comedy, you wanna take full advantage of it before anyone else does. Anyways, the kids end up reading a book or something that weakens the turkey and they eventually “kill” it, only to have a turkey come alive on the Thanksgiving table with a title card popping up that let’s us know there will be a sequel…in space.

I’m sure this was a Texas Chain Saw Massacre reference but I’m going to pretend it was a Face/Off reference.

Boy oh boy, where the fuck do I start. Firstly, this movie is garbage. It’s really, really bad. However, it made no attempt to be a quality film and instead focused on at least being a fun experience. In that regard, it succeeds for the most part. The concept is absolutely ridiculous, so to think there would be anything of merit as far as the plot was concerned would be a mistake on the viewer’s part. I think there was some exposition of where this turkey came from, told in animated form, but I don’t really remember what that said and I don’t think it really matters while watching the movie. There’s a killer turkey and he kills a guy who’s having sex with a girl from behind, starts having sex with her as she remains oblivious, then shouts, “You just got stuffed!” The turkey comes across more like Chucky from Child’s Play than anything else, so if you dig that movie then you’ll probably enjoy the wacky antics of the turkey puppet that much more. The movie’s biggest strength is that it’s barely over an hour long, so before you have time to really get sick of the bad acting, cheesy dialogue, and terrible effects, the movie is over. If you’re watching this with a group of friends, it’s kind of fun to laugh at its ridiculousness, but it’s far from being a Thanksgiving classic.

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WAIT……WHAT? What the fuck is the name of this movie? Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4? WHAT IS HAPPENING. They put the word that goes at the end at the beginning. I’m so fucking confused already. That’s not saying much because I’m a goddamned moron, but still, I’m a little thrown off. Also, the last movie had a title that was related to Christmas, but do initiations have anything to do with Christmas? DO THEY?! I’m such a bad Christian. I didn’t know anything about this movie, other than being in the SNDN franchise, so I was excited to see Brian Yuzna’s name pop up during the credits. Even though this one ended up being better than the previous movie in the franchise, that’s not really saying much. Although I do love me some witches.

Finally warning us of the dangers of clasping our hands together.

A woman, who is on fire, falls off of the roof of a building and is then poked by Clint Howard. He might be playing a character, but he might have just wandered onto the set. An investigative reporter, Kim (Neith Hunter), hopes that by investigating the apparent spontaneous combustion that she can make a name for herself at the newspaper. While investigating the death, Kim befriends a creepy-ass librarian lady who gives her books about witches and shit. Kim starts hanging out with this librarian and, big surprise, it’s because the librarian is a witch and wants to use Kim as a conduit for some sort of spirit goddess to come into her. Guys, it has nothing to do with Santa. There are a lot of bugs and cockroaches and weird insect larvae going in and out of things, but no Santa. It turns out that the first flaming victim was the librarian’s daughter who fucked up the ritual and that was why she caught on fire. Right before the witches can sacrifice Kim, Kim defends herself and transfers the curse to the librarian who catches on fire instead. Still no Santa.

I don’t really remember why Clint Howard raped a girl with this dick nose mask but now I kind of want to watch this movie again.

OH OKAY. THAT MADE SENSE. Something I didn’t know about this movie was that it has NOTHING to do with the previous three movies. In fact, this movie takes place in a completely separate UNIVERSE from the previous film, as there’s a point where a character puts Silent Night, Bloody Night III: Better Watch Out! on the TV. THAT’S RIGHT, THIS SHIT IS META. I’m sure you all know by now that I love Halloween II: Season of the Witch, despite it having NOTHING to do with the previous two Halloween movies. One big difference is that this movie waited until the fourth installment as opposed to the third, so it felt that much stranger to abandon the original concept. Granted, the witches were trying to perform the ritual on Christmas, but that’s really the only connection. Another difference is that Halloween II is fucking awesome and this…well, it just isn’t that good. Seriously, what was up with all the bugs? Since when do goddesses travel in bug form!? I don’t know guys, I can see that maybe this movie could have a following but I was kind of bored and confused throughout most of it and just kind of lost interest. But hey, there are still witches in it!

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The first opportunity I had to see +1 (AKA Plus One) was at last year’s SXSW. There was something about the description of the movie, possibly that it took place at a party and I hate parties, that diminished any sort of interest I had in it. I never really heard many opinions on the film throughout the festival, for good or for bad, and just kind of forgot about it. It wasn’t until later in the year that the film was released on VOD that I started seeing more people talk about it and it was generally positive. I even saw the movie pop up on some “Best of 2013″ lists! Maybe this movie was better than I had assumed and I was an idiot for ignoring it? And there’s doppelganger shit in there?! I LOVE THAT SHIT! After watching the movie, I can confirm that yes, there is some doppelganger shit in here, along with plenty of other sci-fi shit, and unfortunately, +1 did a shit job with each element they tried to incorporate.

But Rhys Wakefield does look like a creep at all times, right?

High school sweethearts David (Rhys Wakefield) and Jill (Ashley Hinshaw) are going through some tough times, with David staying in his hometown after graduation while Jill goes off to college. They both attend a friend’s party, but each with different goals. Jill wants to move on from that relationship so she goes with a different guy, while David plans on winning Jill back. Before attending the party, we see a meteor crash and have some weird effect on nearby electrical wiring. When David finally catches up with Jill, he only angers her more. That’s when the power goes out and shit gets weird. David heads out after Jill, only to realize that once the power has come back on, he is a spectator of the party he is attending, only he is watching it from an earlier point in the evening. Two of his friends experience the same thing, and while trying to figure out what’s happening, the power flickers again and they notice another “time shift”, only this time they aren’t shifted as far back. These shifts in time are getting closer and closer to their “present”, and it’s David’s goal to find the past version of Jill to correct those mistakes. From there, things start getting more complicated, more nonsensical, and eventually everything is wrapped up in a way that’s intended to be satisfying while “mysterious” and “cool”, but rather shows the filmmakers forgot to write an ending for their movie.

Yeah this basically looks like every party I went to in college.

Although not a completely terrible movie, the way that the filmmakers had established the potential for a lot of really cool stuff and just completely blew it made this movie an incredibly frustrating experience. Unlike some of the more confusing/interesting/intelligent sci-fi movies involving doppelgangers/time travel, like Primer or Coherence, the tone of the whole thing felt more like your average high school comedy. The filmmakers seem to want to hedge their bets by including time travel, outer space shit and doppelgangers, but they never really gave rhyme of reason as to why ANY of this shit was happening. Remember how cool it was in Time Crimes when something would happen arbitrarily in the movie, then you’d find out that thing wasn’t arbitrary at all and was in fact the time-traveling protagonist having an impact on that timeline? This film had none of that. Later in the film when the original group of people realize the time shift, the earlier timeline versions of themselves keep being referred to as malevolent beings with ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. There’s no justification for why they are considered evil beings, but once it’s implied that they’re bad, that’s when the film makes the alternate timeline versions bad. That’s where the doppelganger elements of the movie start coming in and the alternate timeline characters just start hunting out the original timeline characters FOR NO FUCKING REASON. They’re just acting like dicks for no real reason. The outer space thing…who the fuck knows where they were going with that. These alternate timeline versions of people seems to have agendas of their own, so they keep implying they have independent will and have bad intentions. They are almost referred to as monsters or creatures or something, so the connection to the meteor landing seems to imply they could be creatures that came out of this rock? The shift in time also affects some characters before it affects others which implied, to me at least, that there was a fluid movement of whatever caused the time shift as opposed to happening across the entire universe to everyone in existence. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I don’t want to completely spoil the movie for people, but there’s something I need to bring up, so consider this your:

SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT

Towards the end of the film, the original timeline versions of characters kill off the alternate version characters. David does the opposite, where he kills the original timeline version of Jill, who is pissed at him and will never forgive him, and doesn’t harm the alternate timeline Jill. The film has one final power outage where the characters explain there’s only one version, but you’re not sure if the alternate timeline character took over, if the original timeline character took over, or if there was some fusion of the two. Why is this a problem? Well, characters have died in BOTH timelines, yet at the end of the movie, we see those characters living. If the alternate timeline characters took over, some of those guys are dead and the original timeline characters wouldn’t be there. Or if the original timeline characters survived, then Jill would still be dead and David would be a murderer. Or are the characters who died in one timeline and not the other have fused together to be some weird half dead monster? FUCK YOU AND YOUR FLAWS IN POOR LOGIC.

END SPOILERS END SPOILERS END SPOILERS

Sorry, I just had to get that out. The whole movie felt like there were a handful of cool ideas and rather than fleshing out one theme, they just threw everything in there that they could. This didn’t feel like a narrative choice of leaving the answers in the eyes of the viewer, but instead the whole thing felt really indecisive. The somewhat comedic tone also gave me the impression of a lack of maturity on the film’s part which only added to the lack of direction. MORE LIKE “MINUS ONE”, AM I RIGHT?!

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I don’t think I’ve ever once referred to this movie by its correct name. Whether it be “cockulus” or “ockulong”, I refuse to say this stupid title correctly. Hey, that’s what you get when a movie is called “Oculus“. And you know what? I still don’t even know what the fuck “oculus” means. I didn’t know much about Oculus going into it, other than people at SXSW really seemed to enjoy it. Some people were even going back to see it a second time! Whoa! You guys love this movie! When I sat down to watch the film and one of the opening logos I saw was the movie division of the WWE and, considering their track record, I knew I was fucked. And ya know what? I was. I got fucked by a big cockulus.

OMG your eyes are weird! SPOOOOOKY!

Now that he’s served his time in a mental institution, Tim (Brenton Thwaites) is lucky that his sister Kailey (Karen Gillan) is happy to take care of him in this period of adjustment. Tim was in this facility because when he was younger, he was convicted of murdering his father. One reason Kailey is so supportive of Tim is because she knows the truth of what happened to their parents. Ya see, there was this spooky mirror that drove their parents insane! Oh no! Kailey is trying to prove that not only does this mirror have a spooky history of causing everyone who has owned it to die a violent death, but that this mirror also has self-defense mechanisms. Every time someone tries to destroy it, they fail. It’s mostly due to the mirror making people go crazy and miss it when they try to hit it with golf clubs and shit, but it’s just a mirror that can’t be destroyed. I don’t know, stupid “haunted” bullshit demons show up and there are hallucinations and flashbacks that unravel what really went on when Tim and Kailey were kids. Guess what? SPOOKY DEMONS WERE INVOLVED! HOLY COW!

I mean, I guess this looks kind of cool? I guess?

It feels weird to think that I have completely missed the boat on Oculus. Tons of people loved it! Me? Hell no! The whole tone of the movie felt like a nu-metal version of a good haunted house movie where the filmmakers decided to try to do things that looked “cool” because they had seen something similar in other haunted house movies. Some of the performances were tolerable but none of the characters were interesting. There’s a scene that goes over every person who has died from owning the mirror yet there was never any explanation as to why this mirror caused people to die in the first place. I suppose some people could enjoy that mystery of the unknown, but I felt like it was a cop-out. “How about instead of justifying these demons…WE DON’T! SPOOOOKY!” Have I mentioned how dumb the ghosts or whatever looked? They looked like they walked out of an Aphex Twin video…from 15 years ago. I guess there were a couple of successful jump scares and there were a few scenes where portable lanterns lit the house that I thought looked pretty cool, but there really just wasn’t enough story or interesting enough characters to make me invested in the superficial hauntings.

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Guys, it’s called “Satanic” so of course I’m gonna wanna check it out! Satan is the ultimate bad boy, second only to me. I’d never heard of this movie, but sometimes replying to emails with, “Yes, I would like a Blu-ray to review,” results in getting a package from FedEx containing a movie! Then you watch it. Then you tell people about it. Then they read about it. Except, in this case, I doubt anyone will read this, unless a lot of people Google “Movies from the producers of The Walking Dead,” in which case you did, hello! Thanks for reading, but Satanic has nothing to do with The Walking Dead, or really, anything to do with something good.

Finally a movie will use a Ouija board to make some spooky stuff happen!

When a group of coeds (goddammit, why won’t someone control these coeds that constantly get into trouble?!) head to L.A. for a vacation, they decide to spend their time sightseeing looking into locations where Satanic rituals and cult sacrifices took place, rather than try to find celebs. Hey, that sounds like something I’d do! After getting a hunch that following a few employees at some sort of Satan store could lead to adventure, the gang stumble across a ritualistic sacrifice that they bring to a halt by shouting. Good job, guys! When one of the coeds realizes they dropped their phone and a mysterious lady offers to bring it to them, these coeds learn their horrors have only just begun! Then a bunch of dumb spooky crap happens and who the hell cares, this movie was a turd.

Tattoos? Knives? Hooded figures? Naked ladies? Yup, we got all the fixings for a Satanic ritual!

When you watch a lot of shitty movies, sometimes all it takes is a somewhat clever concept to get you engaged, and I think Satanic has some merit in at least that regard. I’ve been to quite a few cities around the country and I always want to see the spooky and macabre sights, so I could at least connect with the characters’ motivations. Other than the initial concept, Satanic was incredibly dull. The characters stay in a hotel room where a ritual supposedly happened, and wacky stuff happens with the girl who returns the cell phone, but it’s never really clear if the spooky stuff that follows is being caused by a ghost or by Satan or maybe by a ghost of Satan? Also, none of the intentionally spooky things were really that spooky. A guy sees a pentagram in the foggy mirror after a shower, a bunch of CGI birds are found dead in a pool, and then silverware gets stuck in the ceiling. What the fuck do any of these things have to do with Satan? I HAVE NO GODDAMNED IDEA. The whole film felt like a cheap excuse to cash in on the phrase “Satanic panic” and give Sarah Hyland from Modern Family an excuse to add a movie to her filmography. What started as a clever approach to exploring cults and sacrifices devolved into a bunch of nonsensical, generic scares that never really culminated with anything satisfying.

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I can’t say I’m super familiar with all of Darren Lynn Bousman‘s work, but from what I have seen, it’s always been pretty stylish. Whether you like that style or not is up for debate, but the guy knows what he likes and goes for it. Repo! The Genetic Opera wasn’t really my thing and I know there’s a growing fanbase for The Devil’s Carnival, so I figured at worst, Abattoir would be a movie other people would tell me they’d like and I could judge them. At best, this would be, I don’t know, I guess a good movie? POINT IS, I knew there’d be something I could take from the experience and, well, I was wrong.

Put that gun away! It’s not gonna be able to stop a spooky bad guy!

After a young woman’s entire family was murdered for seemingly no reason, she begins searching for answers. When she tries to visit the scene of the crime, despite the house having been sold, she discovers that the entire room where the murders took place has been removed entirely. What the hell? That’s weird! The buyer of the house has been linked to buying other houses where violent murders have occurred, which gets out protagonist interested. Her search for meaning among all these horrible crimes leads her to the town of New English, a place full of weirdos that has a dark past thanks to some sort of evil pastor type of person. Or something? Point is, someone is building a house out of pieces of houses where bad things have happened. Oh no! Will they do it?! Guess you’ll have to watch Abattoir to find out!

A knife? What’s a knife gonna do to stop a spooky bad guy?!

I know what you’re thinking: “What the hell does ‘abattoir’ have to do with anything?” See, that’s another word for “slaughterhouse.” GET IT? DO YOU GET IT NOW? THE BAD BOYS ARE CREATING A LITERAL SLAUGHTERHOUSE. For as silly as that concept is, the film pulls it off about as seriously as it could. Aside from the tone, I wish the concept was explored a little more, because this felt more like a murder mystery than something supernatural. Other than looking pretty slick and having an interesting concept, Abattoir doesn’t have much else working in its favor. Lin Shaye‘s inclusion felt like a wasted opportunity for a good actress, the supernatural elements didn’t come together, and the “twist” ending could be seen from early on. This movie might be worth checking out if you’re a fan of Bousman’s other films, but it’s ultimately a disappointing exploration of a somewhat interesting concept, and considering the story is based on a comic book, I think some of the story’s effectiveness was lost in translation.

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Imagine, if you will, a time and place where there was no hotter actress than Jennifer Lopez, a leading man no more charming than Vince Vaughn, and an actor no more fear-inducing than Vincent D’Onofrio. The time, ladies and gentlemen, was the year 2000, and the place was, well, movie world, I guess? Planet earth? Regardless, the cast of The Cell had it poised to become an enormous hit full of groundbreaking visuals cooked up in the mind of Tarsem Singh. I saw this film in theaters when it came out and some sequences really disturbed me, but since I hadn’t seen it since then, and it was on HBO Go, I decided to see how the film held up. Note: if you remember this movie being good, I do not recommend questioning that perception by watching it in 2017.

Not pictured is the scene where J. Lo arbitrarily smoked weed in her apartment wearing a thong and you kind of see her butt when she opens the refrigerator. Even more popular in 2000 than J. Lo was the mere concept of her big ol’ butt.

Catherine (Lopez) is a psychologist who uses cutting edge technology that allows a manifestation of herself to enter the mental landscape of her patients, allowing her to interact with them in a way like no other. When authorities realize that a serial killer, known for capturing and torturing his victims for days, has selected his next victim, Peter Novak (Vaughn) begins his hunt for Stargher  (D’Onofrio). A seizure leaves the killer in a coma, so Novak taps Catherine to enter his mind in hopes of gaining information about where his next victim is being held. Entering the mind of a serial killer obviously results in some horrifying landscapes, which Catherine ultimately falls victim to. Novak must enter Stargher’s mind to recover Catherine and the two aim to turn the tables on Stargher before it’s too late for his victim. Will they do it? Probably! Does it matter? Not at all!

“Hey, Vince, we know you’re wearing a garish gold outfit, but we’re nervous that your performance might be a little too subtle.”

I’ve complained about other films that are “psychological thrillers” that ultimately take place in one character’s mind and how that makes the whole film feel like there’s no actual stakes. Luckily for The Cell, the entire conceit of the film isn’t the physical dangers that the characters are faced with, but rather focuses on the mental impact, so this film doesn’t suffer the fate of other shitty “it was all in my head!” movies. Another advantage this film has is that, instead of something like Identity which is about imagined characters turning on one another at a motel, some of Singh’s set pieces are truly breathtaking, both with their surrealism and their originality. Multiple shots and sequences are gorgeous and I would have gladly watched some of those sequences without dialogue. Singh’s imagination is on full display in The Cell and it’s obvious why he would go on to tackle incredibly imaginative films after this one.

This is totally a thing a person would do if they were weird.

Sadly, that’s where the film’s strengths basically end. Although some of the set pieces are astounding, many sequences feel like they were cut from a Marilyn Manson or Nine Inch Nails video. Granted, in the early to mid-’90s, those two musicians gave us some incredibly disturbing pieces, but it makes The Cell sometimes feel too little, too late. Lopez and Vaughn mostly just exist in the film, walking and talking and saying their lines, but there’s not much chemistry between them. I should point out that little is done to establish a romantic relationship between the two characters, so it’s good to see the film avoid those cinematic tropes, but it also makes you less invested in either character. D’Onofrio’s terrifying at times, laughable at other times. He will thoroughly convince you that he is a “weird guy,” thanks to a scene where he is suspended from hooks connected to piercings in his back that allow him to hang over his victims and jerk off onto them, but as if reading what I just wrote didn’t make it clear, the film had a tendency to go a little too obvious. By the time we see him in his third garish outfit and delivering contrived dialogue, we very much get that he’s supposed to be a weird guy. Despite the quality of the film not holding up from how you remember it to be, there’s still some decent ideas in there and I wish we got to see Tarsem go even further with his visuals, but perhaps a reinterpretation of the source material at some point in the future could capitalize more effectively on that potential.

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Sharni Vinson sure was a badass in You’re Next, wasn’t she? I wasn’t really familiar with her until then, but she also starred in the (shitty) shark movie Bait, which I thought would signal seeing her in a ton of other movies. Guess what? That didn’t happen! When I found out she was in a new horror movie, House on Willow Street, I was pretty pumped! Then, I watched House on Willow Street, and I was no longer pumped. Womp womp.

I swear this is from the movie and not just a video game still.

Hazel (Vinson) leads a gang of thugs on a secret mission to rob a house, which may or may not be on Willow Street, of diamonds…or money…or something. Whatever, the reason they’re robbing the house doesn’t really matter. The thugs cross paths with Katherine (Carlyn Burchell) and, risking complications, take her hostage. As the thugs explore the house, peculiar (and spooky) things begin to happen and it becomes clear that Hazel and her thieves have bitten off far more than they can chew.

Oh, brudda. Last year, the home invasion film Don’t Breathe became a moderately-sized success with its plot of thieves breaking in somewhere and having to deal with someone who turned the tables on them. House on Willow Street had a similar structure, but instead of a blind man who turned the tables on criminals, the thugs seemed to have crossed paths with Enchantress from Suicide Squad. The film is a funhouse of supernatural horrors, yet none of the horrors were all that scary for the viewer. There were jump scares-a-plenty, but that’s really the only successes the film had.

Why’s that witch lady from Suicide Squad wearing a hoodie?

Despite the film being, well, not that good, the creature designs of some of the ghouls were pretty interesting, even if some of them look like they were lifted from the Left 4 Dead video game franchise. Also, a good chunk of the effects looked like they were practical effects, so that’s another element that I appreciated. Granted, there were tons of CGI effects in instances where practical effects were impossible, but the effort to make real makeups is commendable. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but the whole tone felt like a ’90s movie haunted house movie. I kept thinking that the film felt like the Thirteen Ghosts remake, or the House on Haunted Hill remake, or The Haunting–wait, why am I reminded of remakes? Is this film a remake? Or is it just that it had a weird blend of practical and CG effects? If you’re a fan of movies that look like video games or the ’90s in general, then this film might be for you, but neither of those things are for me so neither was this film.

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Remember when Armageddon and Deep Impact came out in the same year and it was tough to remember which was which? Or what about when Dante’s Peak came out the same year as Volcano? The coincidental releases of widely-released movies leading to confusion can also happen with independent movies at film festivals, if you can believe it. For example, at SXSW, there were two different neo-noir films that starred Robert Forrester, with one being named “Small Crimes” and the other being named “Small Town Crime.” HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?! Another example would be This Is Your Death and Game of Death, which both took place in not-too-distant futures that featured people competing to kill themselves for the entertainment of others. Sadly, I am stupid and saw This Is Your Death after confusing a photo I saw for Game of Death and was excited to watch this movie. Double sadly, this film was a bizarre melodrama featuring normally skilled actors struggling to polish the turd of a movie.

Oh, right, James Franco is also in this movie for one scene!

When a woman is rejected on a Bachelor-type of show, she shoots her suitor and then turns the gun on herself. The show’s host, Adam (Josh Duhamel), has a career crisis about how awful society is that audiences seemed to enjoy the carnage. The network’s executive, Ilana (Famke Janssen), wants to exploit future suicides for ratings. Adam disagrees with having any part of it, until he goes for a job and sees a girl ribbon dancing for ten minutes, which causes him to think, “Wait, maybe that IS a good idea!” Adam “flips the script” on Ilana during the show’s first episode, encouraging audiences to pledge money to the people who kill themselves on-air. The show becomes incredibly popular and Adam totally thinks suicide is awesome, while Mason (Giancarlo Esposito) struggles to support his family and considers participating in the show. I don’t want to spoil too much, but I’ll say that weeks later, I can still barely unravel the nonsense of this movie and its attempt to provide commentary on reality TV consumption.

Man oh man, I sure hope both guns work!

Yup, you read that right, there’s a scene where a character completely changes his outlook on whether or not suicides should be broadcast because he watches a girl dancing with a ribbon. Were this film to have starred slightly less talented actors, it would for sure be a complete turd, but something about these performances selling the cheesy dialogue kept me just entertained enough to question why the hell anyone would sign on for this. There were moments here and there where I thought the film was going to go in some interesting directions with its message of consuming human misery as entertainment, and then the film would completely veer away from where I wanted it to go. THERE’S JUST SO MUCH NONSENSE. One “contestant” kills themselves by jumping into a giant pool full of acid. THIS SOUNDS LIKE THE ABSOLUTELY MOST PAINFUL DEATH IMAGINABLE. Why on earth would anyone do this?! Also, another character, who was a dancer diagnosed with ALS, does an elaborate ballet routine then culminates with him shooting himself in the head with two different guns. Yup, he puts two guns to his head, and pulls the triggers. Is that not weird enough for you? What about a character whose arc is that they’re seemingly depressed while their brother pays for their entire lifestyle, but is so ashamed of their brother, they decide to get hard into drugs and becomes suicidal just to teach their brother a lesson? Or maybe a scene where a man calls his family, who he hears bicker when they answer the phone because the kids are too excited, listens to his family for three full minutes, only for the family to hang up before ever saying, “Hello?” THAT’S NOT HOW PEOPLE USE PHONES. Goddammit, this was nonsense.

Poor Mason, I sure hope your family learns how to use the phone someday.

Conceptually, I’m on board with this movie. If you told me the concept, I’d say, “That sound like Running Man: Origins.” In that regard, the film totally works! I could see a society where this type of game show would exist and eventually lead to a dystopia where people are encouraged to kill one another for pure entertainment value, but those are some pretty intense ideas. Running Man was far enough in the future and had a silly enough premise that it could lean into the absurdity in a way that it was humorous, but tonally, This Is Your Death felt like EDtv. I couldn’t tell if I was laughing because of how hokey some sequences were or if the scenes were intentional mocking a film you’d see on Lifetime. Here’s hoping that This Is Your Death becomes a new cult classic, not like other sci-fi dystopic movies, but like The Room, in which you can’t believe any human would ever act the way they did in this movie. Oh yeah, and did I mention that most of the plot and character choices were set in motion thanks to ribbon dancing?

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Four years after its release, Cheap Thrills still kicks all kinds of ass. There isn’t one element of that film that stands out from the rest, with the performances, direction, editing, and writing all firing on cylinders. Personally, I’ve kept an eye on every member of the cast and crew’s projects since this one, excited to see what they’ll come up with next. Since Trent Haaga wrote Cheap Thrills, surely a follow-up project might be nearly as good, right? Well, short answer, no, 68 Kill is not anywhere near as good as Cheap Thrills. Sadly, 68 Kill isn’t even as good as most other movies I’ve seen, proving that sometimes you capture lightning in a bottle, or in the case of 68 Kill, you’re lucky to catch farts in a bottle.

Take a seat, Mr. Gubler, I don’t think you’ll like this.

We all have that one friend who dates someone who is way too attractive for them, with the caveat that they’re a bad person? Well, in the world of 68 Kill, nice guy Chip (Matthew Gray Gubler) dates hot prostitute Liza (AnnaLynne McCord) despite her being a pretty awful person. Liza convinces Chip to rob one of her clients for $68,000, but when the robbery gets out of hand, Liza shows her true, even more villainous colors. Chip might be able to escape Liza temporarily, but his getaway is far from clean, as he encounters a wide variety of despicable characters, proving there’s no such thing as a “perfect crime.”

Hot women love degenerate men!

After watching certain films, you can easily deduce what the elevator pitch was, which is normally, “Imagine this movie meets this other movie?” and then it makes a billion dollars. 68 Kill was clearly sold as “See, it’s a black ROMANTIC comedy! Get it?” and it was off to the races. In that respect, it’s true to many romantic comedies, in that the lead “hero” is interacting with women who are way out of his league and generally are one-dimensional caricatures instead of being treated as humans. Chip, for some reason, regularly encounters a variety of stereotypical women that he either sleeps with or sees naked, because…I don’t know, plot, I guess? It would be a little extreme to say that this film downright hates women, based on how the characters are written, but to say the film is “problematic” in its treatment of female characters would be a little too gentle. To be fair, 68 Kill is actually based on a novel of the same name by Bryan Smith, so it’s possible Haaga made a faithful adaptation of that story and, if that’s the case, I truly hope to never read a book that misogynist.

I’ll just be over here trying to remember if there were women in this film who we don’t see in their underwear.

This isn’t to say that the film is a complete trainwreck, as the entire tone of the film is that of “fun, midnight movie,” it’s just that, upon any analysis other than its surface value, it doesn’t hold up. Gubler is relatively endearing in his performance, as are much of the cast. McCord and other awful women, played by Sheila Vand and Alisha Boe, all give it their best, but the script completely fails them. I could potentially be interested in Haaga’s future directing projects, but I’m not quite sure I could stomach another one of his written efforts. I shouldn’t be surprised that, after writing Deadgirl, about two teenage boys who find a zombie-like girl chained up in a hospital and take turns raping her, could write another film with such disparaging interpretations of women, but I guess I had hoped for more. But, then again, what the hell do I know? If I wanted to be as progressive as I want my movies to be, maybe I should stop referring to myself as “Wolfman” and call myself “Wolfperson.”

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Ever since the days of Friendster (yeah kids, I’m talking FRIENDSTER!), I’ve been fascinated with the way that social media would impact the development of society. In my own personal experiences, I had found people growing narcissistic and would focus far more on how their lives were portrayed on the internet versus focusing on their tangible reality. When I heard the description for Like Me, it sounded right up my alley, but upon actually viewing the film, it was just as shallow as the personalities it was portraying.

The film opens with a convenience store robbery at gunpoint that is documented on a mobile phone, only to have that footage be posted to social media for the robber’s “fans.” The social media phenom, Kiya (Addison Timlin), receives mostly positive feedback from her fans, while others compel her to go further with her antics. Kiya takes the criticism personally, challenging herself to take things to the next level, which cause her to kidnap the older man Marshall (Larry Fessenden) and torture him in a variety of physical and emotional way, broadcasting for all to see. The journey these two take together reveals things about one another they didn’t expect this experiment would, leading them to truths about the human condition. Well, not really though, but the characters seem to think that.

How could we not like you?! You’ve got a cool hat and obviously like breakfast food!

Man oh man, I was so hopeful for this movie! A misled youth who interprets online fame with real-life approval, leading them to do awful things just to gain internet credibility? THAT SOUNDS LIKE A REALITY! Sadly, the film is about as engaging as scrolling through your Tumblr feed. There are visually interesting sequences scattered throughout, but the film doesn’t carry much depth. It doesn’t say anything about society (or its collapse into internet culture) that hasn’t been said before, Like Me just does it with the aesthetics of an Instagram filter. Fessenden is fine as, ya know, someone being tortured, but the detached and “enigmatic” Kiya seemed to lack all humanity, and I don’t mean in the sense that she’s been desensitized to what she’s doing, just that the role could have been played by Siri and bee equally as effective. If you’re looking for something with a handful of interesting and pretty sequences, Like Me might scratch that itch, but if you’re looking for interesting characters or any deeper meaning behind what the obsession with the internet is doing to our civilization, you’d have more luck just watching some Vines. They’re shorter, too!

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Thanks to the Crocodile Dundee films and the likes of Yahoo Serious, the ’80s gave Australian cinema a pretty goofy reputation. American audiences seem to view the continent as one of the most remote places in the world, where individuals happened to also speak English, making it the perfect go-to for outsider stories. Perhaps as a response to this misconception, Australian horror films have been some of the more effective in terms of serial killer stories, whether it be Wolf Creek, The Loved Ones, or Hounds of Love. One of the most recent backwoods serial killer films, Killing Ground, aimed to continue that tradition of terrifying thrillers, but, sadly, is little more than an underwhelming imitator of more successful films from that corner of the world.

Whoa! There’s a baby involved?! This must clearly be EXTREME!

A young couple decides to go camping for the weekend for New Year’s Eve, opting to avoid the traditional celebrations that many people their age engage in, only to be disappointed to find out they aren’t the only ones camping at the location. As we see this couple’s story unfold, we also see the story of the family who will be cohabitating the area with them, leading audiences to wonder how the two stories connect. Luckily, we are given two antagonists who are the stereotypical “creepy guys who spend time in the woods,” who we will learn are the link that ties these stories together. In other words, this deadly duo torments both parties who have chosen to go camping in the wrong part of the woods, leading to the expected cat-and-mouse rigamarole full of capture, escapes, and murders.

Whoa! This killer looks like he’s a real bad boy! Maybe we’ll find out he’s a real sissy? Probably not, though.

It’s hard to pick out specific things that Killing Ground fails to accomplish, with the film being adequately acted and full of sufficient scenes of violence, which might be where the film’s faults lie; Killing Ground merely repeats the formula that other films have managed to pull off more effectively and imbued with freshness in ways Killing Ground could not. Apart from the final scenes, which go in a slightly different direction than one would anticipate, nothing about the film surprises the audience. The killers are exactly who you think they are, the victims undergo exactly the kinds of torture you expect, and there’s no surprising reveal of an interesting backstory to justify the events that occur.

Whoa! Maybe the flashbacks will give us interesting insight into why these events occur! They do not, however.

The film introduces the audience to a disjointed narrative early on, leading you to believe there would be rhyme or reason as to why the story would be told in this way. Sadly, this nonlinear narrative never pays off, other than showcasing just how vile the killers are. Another frustration is that, with other films using the performances of the killers or justification for murder being the chance to make a film stand out from the crowd, Killing Ground didn’t go that route, making the whole film feel like a massive disappointment. Fans of these backwoods slashers might enjoy the competent installment into the subgenre, but for those who were seeking more out of Killing Ground, you’ll find nothing more than a retread of well-worn territory.

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Whether it be The Hunger Games or Battle Royale or The Running Man, there’s no shortage of movies about sci-fi dystopias where people must compete in some way, shape, or form in hopes of staying alive, and it’s in that tradition that Game of Death carries on. Rather than envisioning some crazy world where things like those other dystopic competitions could exist, Game of Death, from production companies La Guerrilla, Rockzeline, and Blackpills, takes a much more intimate approach that allowed the story to be carried out with a much smaller budget. Another difference this movie has from those other movies I mentioned is that those films range from “good” to “not bad,” whereas this film is definitely bad. Oh well!

“Hey guys…what if Jumanji…was spooky?!”

You know what Millennials love doing? FUCKING PARTYING!!! Our group of teens loves drugs, booze, sex, and selfies. All those things that we’ve heard about Millennials liking! Ya know what else Millennials love? Playing board games! Especially if this is a board game called “Game of Death.” The only difference about this game is that the only rules are that you need to kill someone every hour for 24 hours, or the game begins killing players…somehow? Although they doubt the severity of the game’s rules, when the players’ heads begin to explode one at a time, the surviving teens know it’s kill or be killed, empowering some while terrifying others. Will these wild-ass teens be wild enough to complete their task, will they stop one another, or will they be stopped by authorities? Guess you’ll have to watch the movie to find out!

This is why you don’t eat peanuts if you have an allergy!

Wait, actually, you know that thing I just said about watching the movie? I don’t actually recommend you do that. Conceptually, the film is perfectly adequate, and I genuinely meant what I said about how the narrative features a classic premise with a lo-fi spin in a seemingly engaging way, but the biggest issue with Game of Death  is that all of the characters are insufferable. If I had it my way, every single character would have died immediately and we potentially would have watched a blank screen for the remaining hour. Remember how you hated everything that the lead characters in Spring Breakers represented but were still compelled to see how their adventure played out? Well, imagine that, but the opposite. Oh yeah, and two of the Millennials were brother and sister having a love affair and I have no idea what the hell that was all about, but it was definitely in there…for some reason.

“Oh my god…you agreed to be in this movie too?!”

I know what you’re saying; you’re saying, “Wow, Wolfman, you really hated this movie!” However, that’s not entirely accurate. Some of the practical effects were highly effective, so some of the scenes of mayhem were genuinely entertaining. The tone and style of the film were very ambitious and frenetic, with lots of quick cuts, 16-bit sequences, and various other animations, reminiscent of Joseph Kahn’s work with Detention. Sadly, I didn’t love that film entirely, so a poor imitation didn’t really connect with me. For some, Game of Death might scratch a very specific itch that genre fans have, but I must have applied the salve that prevents that itch, as the overall unlikeability of the cast made a majority of the experience frustrating and unenjoyable.

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On the one hand, it’s frustrating that films are often called “Cronenbergian” whenever it includes elements of science fiction and grimy practical effects of body horror, but on the other hand, it’s David Cronenberg’s own damn fault for defining a subgenre so wholly that the any movie even slightly delving into that realm is attributed to his name! In that regard, Replace sure is a “Cronenbergian” film, but were I to ever attribute a film of this quality to such a talented filmmaker, I’d feel guilty, because Cronenberg often makes good movies, which is something Replace most definitely is not. But hey! There’s some decent practical effects!

Yeah, it’s a hand, ever heard of it?

After a successful date with a man she’s been seeing, Kira (Rebecca Forsythe) notices a peculiar rash on one of her fingers that’s unlike any she’s seen before. As time progresses, the rash begins to spread across her entire hand. Desperate to discover what is happening to her body, a friend’s chance injury allows Kira to place a piece of her friend’s skin on her rash, resulting in the skin’s absorption into her body. Curious about the mysterious affliction, Kira begins to investigate the root of her problems, but while the disease progresses, Kira finds the only way to keep the condition at bay is by obtaining the skin of others, by any means necessary. Will Kira find a solution to her crappy skin before her temporary solutions get her in big trouble? WHO KNOWS!? (I know, I saw the movie.)

Yeah, it’s a wall, ever heard of it?

I know I can be a Debbie Downer, so how about we start with the strengths of the film, shall we? In less than ten minutes, the practical effects are incredibly convincing, using a disgusting finger peeling scene that avoids the predictable fingernail removal sequence seen in countless other horror movies to a similar effect. Some sequences are more effective than others, but I admire the filmmaker’s commitment. The core story, which was co-written by Richard Stanley, showed promise, even if the film itself didn’t live up to that potential. The brainstorming session must have been quite promising, as there are many compelling elements, but, well, I guess this is where the bad parts come in.

Yeah, it’s skin, ever heard of it? Wait, that’s Barbara Crampton. Hell yeah!

Sadly, it takes a lot more than just some solid effects when crafting a compelling film, as most other elements of the film weren’t nearly as engaging. It’s tough to discern whether it was the cast’s performances or the script that lead to so many wooden, detached interactions on screen, but it was hard to care about anyone or anything that happened to them. The initial reveal of convincing effects piqued my interests early in the film, only to regularly be disappointed with any attempt at humans trying to sound normal. Barbara Crampton manages to give her best B-movie mad scientist, but with the rest of the cast giving B-movie performances in what I assume wasn’t meant to be intentionally hokey, it’s hard to distinguish her deliberate dialogue deliveries from the rest of the cast. If body horror is your thing, you might be able to see past Replace‘s flaws for an interesting interpretation of one’s attempts at staving off death, but to everyone else, the convincing effects will only whet your appetite and leave you hungry for something more substantial.

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When a horror film combines many of your favorite things, it could be a guaranteed success if a film serves those things justice or it could be a devastating blow to watch those things explored in unexciting ways. With The Ranger, two things that I hold near and dear to my heart, punk music and national parks, are thrown together to craft a slasher, with both elements ultimately being treated respectfully. The film, on the other hand, is an homage to a very specific type of cheesy slasher film that I don’t at all care for, but others might find joy in.

Set in the ’80s, a group of friends in the punk scene decides they are going to start selling drugs as their source of income, only for the cops to bust up their plans, resulting in one of the friends fatally wounding one of the officers. Needing a place to lay low, Chelsea (Chloe Levine) offers up her uncle’s cabin in a nearby national park that will allow them to regroup and figure out their next move. The friends cross paths with a park ranger (Jeremy Holm) who has a strange connection to Chelsea’s past, only for the friends to disrespect the ranger’s advice on treating the park with care. Once they reach the cabin, the punks continue to ignore the rules of ensuring the park’s safety, which is a mistake they’ll all begin paying for in deadly ways.

Rarely do films offer authentic portrayals of the punk scene, but The Ranger delivers a genuine interpretation of the outcasts. The key component in these interpretations being that these characters are abrasive and obnoxious as hell, which typically goes hand-in-hand with someone who dyes their hair pink and covers their leather jacket with spikes; punks aim to shake up the status quo and that often means rejecting societal norms. In that regard, The Ranger is sure to appeal to a specific horror demographic, as you genuinely hate these characters and want to see them become fodder for the murderer as quickly as possible, which is another staple of certain ’80s slashers.

The Ranger also never takes itself too seriously, as rules from the park service are often spoken before a character suffers a violent end, preventing the villain from ever being intimidating but rather a comedic persona who also happens to have a sadistic streak. I’m not big on slashers from the get-go, so adding in the goofiness was just another turn-off of the whole experience. Unfortunately, the film’s practical effects weren’t all that effective, making it difficult to even take joy in grisly death scenes.

Co-writer/director Jenn Wexler knows her shit when it comes to the horror genre, having produced films like Darling and Psychopaths, with The Ranger feeling like an opportunity to make her directing debut for a minimal budget with a relatively thin story. I found little to get excited about with The Ranger, but I know that the tone is sure to connect with fans of films like the Slumber Party Massacre franchise, so who gives a shit if it’s not for everybody? I know that The Ranger will find its audience, even if I’m not part of it, while I look forward to what Wexler works on next.

Wolfman Moon Scale

I like to think that I’m tapped into the horror world, but Mara was actually brought to my attention by Wolfgirl as I remained completely oblivious to its existence. It immediately appealed to her because it focused on sleep paralysis and we have a cat named Mara, who often likes to terrorize us while we slept. In other words, this movie was primed to be an adaptation of what we suffer through each and every night, right? Well, lucky for us, our lives aren’t at all similar to Mara, because that would mean our lives are pretty dull and cliched.

When forensic psychiatrist Kate (Olga Kurylenko) responds to a call about a murder, she discovers the patriarch of a household has died in peculiar circumstances, with his neck twisted in an unnatural way. The wife is blamed for the murder while the daughter is cared for by the grandfather, but the wife’s ramblings about a “sleep demon” being responsible are…peculiar. As Kate begins to follow the clues about the origins of this “sleep demon,” Kate gets wrapped up into the deadly plan, putting her in a race against the clock to not only save herself, but everyone else caught in Mara’s path. Mara, you see, is the sleep demon.

I should admit that, while Wolfgirl sent me the trailer, I couldn’t actually bring myself to watch the whole thing, as the mere concept was enough to pique my interest in watching it. Had I watched the whole trailer, I might have braced myself for just how generic and uninspired the film would be.

The film’s biggest (only?) strength is the physical performance of Javier Botet as Mara. The actor’s physical presence rivals that of frequent Guillermo Del Toro collaborator Doug Jones, as his tall and strikingly slender frame lends well to playing a supernatural being. You may have seen him as the Crooked Man in The Conjuring 2 or as the leper in IT, and he once again gives a frightening performance.

The film’s biggest flaw, of which there are many, is the convoluted explanation of why and who Mara attacks. You’d think it would be as simple as, “Well there was a lady and maybe she died for this reason or whatever and now she terrorizes people in her sleep or something,” but the justification was even more boring than what I just concocted. Instead, there’s the premise that Mara first marks a victim with a red dot on their eyeball, and then after a random amount of time, her pursuit becomes more motivated, and then…listen, there were like, four fucking stages all about her pursuit of victims, and they were all stupid and nonsensical. The whole time you’re expecting there to be some clever spin or twist like in The Ring that ties all the loose threads together, but instead, it goes nowhere and makes you angry that the filmmakers couldn’t have thought of something more clever. You’d think that the narrative to explain sleep paralysis would be, oh, I don’t know THE most important fucking thing in the movie, though it becomes clear that they convinced Botet to wear a dress and little more thought went into the actual plot.

I’ve never experienced sleep paralysis myself, though I hear it’s a horrifying ordeal. The closest I’ve seen to an effective recreation of the feeling is The Nightmare, yet even that film wasn’t so much effective for me so much as it made me comprehend the sensations. Given the number of people who suffer from sleep paralysis across the world, you’d think the film would try to find a universal explanation for why the phenomenon takes place so that the next time someone went through it, they’d think of the movie and freak out, but it might actually be more frightening to be awake and think of the movie, as you’re left wondering why it exists in the first place. Botet’s physicality is the only thing that saves the movie from being completely abysmal, though there are better movies where you can see his skills.

Wolfman Moon Scale