Now that we’re in the post-Thanksgiving season, it’s the perfect time to seek out holiday-themed horror, with All the Creatures Were Stirring scratching that itch. Not only does the film fulfill our holiday horror desires, but it’s also an anthology, a tried and true approach to making the best out of a potentially thin concept. I mean, we have movies like Krampus, Gremlins, and the Silent Night, Deadly Night series that we can annually revisit, though this new anthology has now entered the battlefield in hopes of cementing itself as a film to watch every year to get you in the spirit of the season. While the individual segments do manage to deliver a variety of horrific interpretations of the holiday, it underwhelms with its horror and humor, despite having the best of intentions.

The first segment, “The Stockings Were Hung,” depicts an office party where the employees are locked in and forced to open gifts that will either be their salvation or their demise, with the tension revealing how the co-workers truly feel about one another. The segment feels somewhere between The Belko Experiment and Office Christmas Party and, given that I don’t really like either of those films, I didn’t connect much with this story. The narrative had to expedite the tension to fit the timeframe of the vignette, leading to some massive leaps in logic that were far too difficult to grasp. The story runs its course in a shorter amount of time than most viewers spend being introduced to the protagonists in the Saw films, which is time we invest in their wellbeing. The concept was fine, but the expedited tension meant that we only just began caring about the characters by the time the segment was over.

“Dash Away All” depicts a man who locks himself out of his car, only for two women in a van to offer assistance. This is a horror movie, so obviously these ladies are up to no good, but I don’t want to say what kind of madness unfolds, given that this is one of the film’s stronger segments. The inventiveness of the, we’ll say “shenanigans,” is pretty cool, offering up some unique shenanigans I’ve never quite seen before. It might feel like a cop out to only say this segment was “pretty good” without really elaborating, but as to not spoil anything, I’ll say this one was pretty good!

What would a Christmas-themed horror anthology be without a riff on A Christmas Carol? Well, “All Through the House” delivers just that, albeit a condensed version of the key elements of the holiday that still manages to get the point across. The ghosts in the segment are a lot creepier than what we’ve seen in most other versions of the story, which helps inject some actual horror into the vignette that embraces comedy much more than horror. This sequence is also “not bad,” though that might be due to the effectiveness of the original premise that has been adapted ad nauseam.

“Arose Such a Clatter” depicts a man hitting a deer, fatally wounding it, To put it out of its misery, he smashes its head in with a rock, only for audiences to learn it was one of Santa’s reindeer, resulting in a killer with a glowing red nose following the man home, seeking revenge. What makes this segment work so well is that it has an inventive premise that will immediately hook viewers with its cleverness, allowing the rest of the short to play out as a relatively straightforward horror story, regardless of the absurdity of the concept. Directors Rebekah and David Ian McKendry use familiar genre tropes to deliver an entertaining and goofy tale of revenge.

The final segment, “In a Twinkling,” focuses on a man who claims he likes to spend the holiday alone, only for his girlfriend to insist on keeping him company. This will be a decision they both regret, as we discover the man keeps to himself because he annually has some uninvited, otherworldy visitors. Mostly feeling like an episode of The Twilight Zone, there are some cool ideas in this segment about a man who just accepts the bizarre events he endures every year, yet we’re left wishing that this story was fleshed out a bit more. Had this segment been a bit longer, say the length of an actual Twilight Zone episode, we could have been given a more fulfilling story, but I appreciated the homage and everything the segment was going for.

But wait, there’s a wraparound story! The framing device used to tell all these vignettes is that two people who are alone on Christmas would rather spend it together, so they decide to go see a play where all of the above stories are being acted out in front of them. The framing device reminded me of something like V/H/S, but the live theater felt like an interesting twist and something I hadn’t seen before. So that’s good! The reveal at the end of the wraparound and the reason why these two were on a date in the first place might not be entirely exceptional, yet the balance between serving merely as a setup for the vignettes and actually delivering an entire storyline was effective, so there’s that, at least.

As previously mentioned, the film was written and directed by Rebekah and David Ian McKendry, which helps lend a consistency to the entire endeavor. While many other contemporary anthologies offer multiple filmmaking teams, All the Creatures Were Stirring remains steadfast in its quality and style. On the one hand, we aren’t forced to sit through any flat-out turds by a director trying to make a “statement,” though, on the other hand, there’s nothing that really makes any segment stand out from the rest, other than the different narratives. If you like one, you’ll probably like them all, but if you don’t connect with one, that’s a trend that’s sure to continue.

As far as how the film ranks as a holiday horror film, there’s much to be desired when it comes to the connections to the actual holiday. We’ve seen enough Christmas horror movies by now to have covered virtually all of the obvious angles, forcing All the Creatures to think outside the box. The tenuous connection to the spirit of the season might frustrate some looking to get excited for the holidays, in conjunction with the film having seemingly been shot in California so it doesn’t even look like “Christmas,” might disappoint some viewers.

So where does that leave us? All the Creatures Were Stirring delivers some scares and some laughs, yet leaves us wishing there were a lot more of both. There are definitely some clever interpretations of holiday horror, yet much of the rest of the film felt like filler. Also, there’s a lot of really great people in it, which works as a double-edged sword, both causing excitement when we see them on screen and frustration that they weren’t given stronger material to work with. The anthology might not be for me, but I’m sure as hell happy it exists.

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There have definitely been multiple years where I spent St. Patrick’s Day drinking a Shamrock Shake and watching Leprechaun because, well, what the hell else are you supposed to do on that day? Drink? BORING. Much like watching ThanksKilling on Thanksgiving, I didn’t necessarily do this because I enjoyed the movie, I just didn’t know what the hell else to do with myself. That being said, the first Leprechaun kinda sucks. It’s not great as a horror movie, it’s not great as a comedy, and fails to fall into the “so bad it’s good” level of enjoyment as something like the Troll films. So what does that mean for my enthusiasm for Leprechaun Returns? Well, it’s not great as a horror movie, it’s not great as a comedy, so I guess Leprechaun Returns is the best sequel since the original!

Set as a direct sequel to the 1993 film, a girl and her friends head to a cabin for spring break or something (really not important) and inadvertently awaken the green monster from the well where he met his demise decades earlier. Upon awakening, he…kills people. Yeah, that’s right, the leprechaun comes back to kill people while searching for his pot of gold! There’s wisecracks, there’s gruesome special effects, and then it’s over. That was probably my favorite part, when I knew it was over,

Look…these movies aren’t for me, and that’s okay, because they might be for somebody. To the best of my knowledge, this film hits all the major beats that audiences expect from such a film, with Linden Porco making for a worthy successor to Warwick Davis, who originally played the part. Given that Leprechaun: Origins (which I saw in theaters!) made the titular villain more monstrous and devoid of any charm or dialogue, Leprechaun Returns was much more in line with the tone of the proper franchise. Director Steven Kostanski delivers some satisfying special effects which, if my memory serves me, are much gorier than anything featured in the original film, which might have made this film more rewarding for me. Reminder, see The Void, which Kostanski co-directed, which friggin’ rules.

While you might be thinking, “Why the hell should I listen to this ‘Wolfman’ who doesn’t even like the movies? He sounds like an idiot!” you’d be correct in doing so. However, while these films might not particularly be my thing, I can still recognize when they are absolutely abysmal, like Origins, and promise that Leprechaun Returns fits much more in line with the spirit of the original series, with both its humor and its horrors. The one-liners and buckets of green blood are sure to elate devout fans of the franchise, even if I still think the franchise as a whole pretty much stinks.

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In 1979, The Amityville Horror, inspired by a book of the same name, introduced the world to what is regarded as one of the most haunted houses in the world, which was reportedly plagued by all manner of supernatural entities. In the 40 years since that film’s debut, the Long Island home has inspired more than 20 feature films that have delivered audiences a wide spectrum of specters, though The Amityville Murders attempts to deliver audiences the story of the real-life murders that took place in the home on a fateful night in 1974. That attempt ends up feeling like every other chapter in the long-running franchise, offering audiences the tried and true interpretations of a haunted house that drives someone to madness, with the major difference being that we know exactly how the film ends as soon as the opening credits start.

After partaking in a seemingly innocent “ritual” that allows you to communicate with spirits, the DeFeo household becomes plagued with otherworldly events. The unexplained occurrences seem to center around Ronald (John Robinson), whose combative relationship with his father is heightened by the terrifying visions he has of shadowy spirits around the home. The rest of the family dismisses what Ronald is going through as him being sick, only for each day that passes sending him further into madness, made all the worse when he discovers the home was built on a Native American burial ground. Oh, and then Ronald kills his family. The end!

The DeFeo murders are a key component of virtually every incarnation of the film franchise, as each new resident is wary about moving into a home where murders occurred. Understandably, the discovery that you’ll have to worry about where you put your recliner in relation to where a body was found is something that would make someone feel a little uncomfortable, even if there wasn’t a supernatural explanation for the event. In that regard, the setup of virtually all other Amityville films makes perfect sense, with Murders requiring an extra leap in logic to invest any interest in the narrative.

One big flaw with The Amityville Murders is that the only connection the case has to the supernatural is that, in 1975, DeFeo claimed he heard “voices” that told him to kill his parents. In the decades since the murders, DeFeo’s story has changed numerous times, which includes blaming other parties for taking part in the murders, while historians have confirmed that the burial ground connection is false. In other words, the only confirmed details about the events are that DeFeo killed six people and the family that moved into the home a year later claimed to have experienced otherworldly events.

In that regard, The Amityville Murders is nothing more than an attempt to cash in on a real tragedy with a recognizable word in the title. As a horror movie, everything is safe, forgettable, and generic. The 1974 setting offers a slight twist from other horror films in the Amityville legacy, and it also feels like an authentic interpretation of a Long Island family’s tense dynamic. While most of the performances are effective, there are times when the tone falls too deep into parody, leaving viewers unsure whether we should be laughing with the film or at it.

If you’re willing to look past the many, many factual inaccuracies in the film, you’re given a predictable ghost story that has moments of unconventional staging and framing, which allows it to briefly stand out from other films in the Amityville franchise. The film’s conclusion, unfortunately, features actual footage and photographs of the crime scene, driving the point home that these were real people who were tragically killed. This only makes everything that preceded the final moments of the film feel all the more disrespectful, serving as nothing more than a cash grab on the horrific events that unfolded in the quiet community.

While the overall experience of the film is a safe and traditional haunted house movie, you’ll have a hard time washing the taste out of your mouth regarding the filmmakers’ decisions to go such an expected route when so many other psychological elements that motivated the murders could have finally been explored. Save your time and just watch the original Amityville Horror, it has James Brolin and Margot Kidder!

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